Friday Fiction #10

Our great leader, Madison (http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/flash-fiction/first-contact/), is back from her vacation, and provided today’s inspiration with the picture below. If you head over to her page, do look at the comments below her story – plenty of other writers’ links there, you might find one you love!

I love pictures of people – everyone in the scene has a story to tell – but today it was the camera’s viewpoint that seemed most interesting to me. I hope you enjoy, but as ever constructive comments are just as welcome as positive ones.

The station master looked up at me. “Need a hand there, Miss?”

It was the end of the line. Brian was already off down the platform, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket, head jerking from one side to the other, looking for Mum. But I couldn’t move.

On the other side of the platform, between some luggage carts and a coiled hosepipe, stood the boy. Unnoticed, or unseen? He had just the same expression on his face as he’d had that day. Accusatory more than frightened. I thought I’d gotten rid of him, left all that in Boulder.

20 Comments

Filed under Friday Fiction, Writing

20 responses to “Friday Fiction #10

  1. A great story.
    Lots of mystery packed into just 100 words.

  2. Frightening! I like your take on the boy’s expression. Good job 🙂

  3. Excellent piece. Thanks for sharing!

    Here is mine (keep forgetting to add it with my comments…oops):

    http://hugmore.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/painful-partings-a-friday-fictioneers-post/

  4. Nice take on his expression – sounds like this may not be the end of the line after all.

  5. Such a great story! I love that you picked Boulder!
    It really makes me wonder about the anxiety he is feeling and what he is running from…

    Here is mine. You are welcome to leave your link in my comment section as well!
    http://susielindau.com/2012/01/27/just-another-day-100-word-flash-fiction/

  6. So many different stories within your story. I especially like the way you pulled in the expression on the boy’s face. Very nice.

    Here’s my link:
    http://jansthoughtsovercoffee.blogspot.com/2012/01/flashfriday-fridayfictioneers-that-girl.html

  7. Something ominous has happened and the tone of your piece is just right. A good ghostly tale.
    Here’s mine: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/

  8. Deaer Elmo!

    Very dark and freighted with mystery. Loved it.

    Alooha,

    Doug

  9. You created some good tension with this. Well done.

    Here’s mine:
    http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-8I

  10. That was a surprising take on the prompt. Good story, too. This prompt was so unusual it really made us all make up stories instead of moor pieces.

  11. Creepy little kid. I can’t help but wonder why she is worried about running into him again. Did she do something to him – or the other way around. Hmmmm…

    ~Susan (Here’s mine: http://www.susanwenzel.com/)

  12. Madison Woods

    Hmmm – that sure left a lot of questions, which is a great thing to entice a reader to keep reading!

    Until this picture, I’d always preferred nature scenes for my flash. But I’ve really enjoyed this one, so I might find more to use in the future that feature people.

  13. Ack! That last line! Ack! That is cold hearted woman! Well played!

    ~~Elise

  14. Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments! The picture and the boy in particular reminded me of some really disturbing UK drink-driving adverts where the driver is haunted by the face of the kid he (or she) killed, so I think that was my inspiration as much as anything. But having started with that, I wasn’t sure whether she had hidden the body or at least her part in the accident, or whether perhaps there was something else behind their relationship. Either way, I think the boy is probably a ghost in my version, but one who is destined to haunt her for a while yet!
    Madison – I enjoy the nature pictures too, but i’m glad you challenge us all with a mixture!
    Off to check yours out now, Stacey!

  15. Look at Unnoticed or unseen? Took me out of Miss’s thoughts. (She sees him–I do not doubt.) Then the next sentence I’m back in them.

    Enjoyed, Robin

  16. Ohhh creepy. I love it! With the “Unnoticed or unseen?” I get tripped up sometimes by the word count limit and will chop a longer sentence instead of rewriting. I don’t know if that is what happened there, but “Unseen by others” would have worked as well. I apologize if you weren’t looking for critique, by the way.

    The creepy tone was beautifully set and I could practically feel the iciness in her stomach. Great job!

    The link to my drabble is here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/grounds/

  17. Thanks for stopping by, Robin / Quill. I appreciate your thoughts and I’m glad you enjoyed most of it. I looked back at that line and I think this is an example of a problem not quite in the editing, but in the author’s vision. In my head, the boy was a ghost or someone ‘she’ had killed (probably by accident) and therefore this line refers to the fact that she is wondering whether the other passengers don’t see him or merely don’t notice him (but could see if they looked). It’s still firmly in her thoughts, because it is she who is wondering. But a lot of people didn’t realise he was dead (my fault – must convey this better), which makes the line incongruous.
    The joy of critique: I see it all now thanks to your help, but missed it without. THANK YOU!

  18. You built some very interesting characters out of that photo!
    It’s a story I would like to read till its end! Nice paranormal work going on there!

    I got late in my entry this time… here it is:
    http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/grow-up-now/

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