Inspiration Monday #3 – The Fall

Thanks to Inspiration Monday from BeKindRewrite, it’s time for another short piece. This time I used their phrase “Falling Up The Stairs” and I genuinely intended that to be what the piece was about, but somewhere along the way it morphed on me and I was left with it being about “Falling Upstairs” which is not really the same at all. Sorry!

Anyway, in addition, I’ve been reading about POV for narration, and one of the things that always crops up is the question of “Second Person” narrations (those which address the reader directly, as “you”). It’s something I could write an entire post about, and might sometime. For now, let’s just say I decided to use it for this piece. I’d love to hear how you feel about the story as a whole, and that aspect in particular.

The Fall

Whoops! You didn’t expect that, did you? Ha, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, isn’t that what they say? Well, this was hardly an inquisition. Just a bit of embarrassment, and a sudden jolt of pain, I suppose I should be fair and give you that.

Yesterday, some kid at work head-butted the wall. Really hard. She looked a bit shocked but she didn’t cry. You’d think she would have, she was only three or four years old, and the way you cried out… Well, she didn’t. At least, not until after I had turned away. Didn’t want an audience, you see.

But you like an audience, don’t you, my dear? You like that your yelp brought me running. So quiet now? I suppose you have got your way, what else is there to say?

I’d have come anyway. I heard you falling upstairs from where I was, in the kitchen. Making you a nutritious lunch. But you called anyway. Had to be sure. Well, here I am. Dutiful wifey, at your bedside night and day, tending to your every need for – how long now? Two years? Wow, it feels like a lifetime.

Of course, you’re at your own bedside now. Maybe I should step over you and climb into your place. When you’re able to stand, you can make me something to eat and mix up my medications. I could lie here and groan occasionally, just to prove I’m still insisting on staying alive. But I won’t, will I?

Here, take my arm and we’ll get you back into the bed. I need you to help, dear, don’t just lie there floppy. Come on. What’s that on the carpet? It’s wet. Did you knock your drink? It’s dark like blackcurrant. But you had milk this morning, didn’t you? And it’s still there on the side. So what is the red?

Your head, honey. It’s on your hair. Oh my darling man. Are you OK? Talk to me! Talk to me!

10 Comments

Filed under Inspiration Monday, Writing

10 responses to “Inspiration Monday #3 – The Fall

  1. Whoo! That sweet yet begrudging tone swept into chilling so smoothly! It makes a wonderful impact.

  2. I’m not sure you’ve quite got it. You’ve used “I” a couple of times, which suggests that you’re writing a first person piece, it’s just heavily concerned with the second person as a main character. If you want a good example of second person, I found “The Haunted Mind” by Nathaniel Hawthorne in “Twice-told Tales” which you can read for free from Google Books (https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=4JRYMSN7nBUC&rdid=book-4JRYMSN7nBUC&rdot=1). You’ve inspired me to give it a go, though!

    • So you should, Stacey! Do it!
      Meanwhile, you’ve confirmed my fear that I should probably have written the discussion piece about what 2nd person voice was first, to avoid this problem. When I started this piece, it was more like the kind of 2nd person you refer to (the Reader-As-MC style) but just as the title evolved, so did the narrator and she ended up having a character herself, converting this into the slightly more convoluted mixed style you condemn.
      Anyway, I shall resist the temptation for more discussion and save that for a post of its own sometime!

  3. Woah. It starts out sort of cutesy and then slips so delicately into something much more serious. This is quite moving. Bravo.

    • Thanks, and for the link. I don’t really know where it came from, but this woman had something to say, and I didn’t want her to get away with her bitchiness entirely.

  4. KP

    Yep, sounds like the truth is coming out! Well done.

  5. Pingback: Inspiration Monday: speechcraft « BeKindRewrite

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