Voice Week #2

In the second part of my Voice Week submissions, here is another possible version of A Mother’s Legacy. Check out yesterday’s post for version 1 and an explanation of the project. As ever, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.

A Mother’s Legacy [The Mother]

I once told my son that if I became terminally ill, he should put me on a boat with a pistol and a prayer. But that was before he married the Black Widow, before it was all about her.

Apparently the doctor said I wouldn’t see out the winter, but I see it now – frost crisping onto the trees and crunching underfoot. And sprinkled on a spider’s web, her babies hanging restless in the centre. She’s given them everything, but it’s not enough.

His hand chills more than the cold. “Come on, Mum. Let’s get you to the shore now.”

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25 Comments

Filed under Voice Week, Writing

25 responses to “Voice Week #2

  1. Pingback: Voice Week #2 | elmowrites « Voice Week HQ

  2. Suddenly you’ve made a character who yesterday seemed weak and faded, and not-all-there, become strong and real and in a way, much more aware of her surroundings than her son is. Suddenly she’s the one who really understands what’s going on. Genius.

    And that last line, vague before, so ominous now!

    • Thanks, be kind, I thought it would be interesting to look at the story from her POV. I did want to keep that last line in all five versions, but you’ll see later in the week that I failed in that. I hope you like what happened instead though!

  3. such a switch. My perceptions of the situation and the attitudes of the people involved have done a complete 180!

  4. KP

    Ah ha! Now I see. The fearsome Black Widow – poor son. It doesn’t bode well for him, methinks.

  5. TheOthers1

    Oh that just changed the tone of the entire story. I remember the other version from Friday fiction, but this makes a loving son seem sinister all of a sudden.

  6. This one is like a punch in the gut. I think you have done the two both so amazingly different using the same thread. Lovely writing!

  7. There is just so much to love about this voice. Her pain drips through every word. I adore the image of the spider, the tiny connection she is able to make there. And that final line, “His hand chills more than the cold”, packs a punch.

    Really well done. 🙂

    • Thank you so much, bad guy. I wanted to show Mum’s point of view on this story too – and maybe give some alternative asnwers for what’s happening in the first story.

  8. An intriguing second voice.
    I love the idea of the spiders wen and the ‘Black Widow’ daughter-in-law. Conjures up all sorts of nasty thoughts.
    In the background is the equally intriguing idea of the journey to the shore and the ‘boat, pistol & prayer.’ Fascinating.

    • Euthanasia is one of those things I keep coming back to in my thoughts about my own life as well as my fiction, Mike. I certianly know people who have given a variation on that instruction to their children, but would we be strong enough to carry it out, and would it be right if we did?

  9. This voice reminds me so much of my own mother whose personality changed once her illness really took hold. This is so real. So painful.

  10. A mean mother-in-law! Can’t say much about the daughter-in-law from the post… but the poor son is definitely under a lot of pressure!

  11. This is great – the hint of what she was thinking was definitely in the first version, but it comes through with just the right amount of bitter anger in this one.

  12. Powerful second voice. You can feel her anger and pain so well, but it still also feels unfair in some way… I tend to see her thoughts as consequences of the illness.

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