In a fit of serendipity, this week’s FF prompt fits so well with one of the InMon prompts that I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to combine them. Thanks to Roger for the picture too.
Once again, after the story, there’s a copy of the pre-edit version with a few notes about the changes. As ever, I’d love to see your comments and critiques, and any thoughts on the choice of genre in the heading.
(NOTES IN MY DEFENCE: Double bass is more words than cello; the boys are old enough to know about cellos but probably not double basses; the picture is an inspiration only … and they definitely aren’t guitars!)
Jokes – Mainstream Fiction
“So, there’s two cellos, right?”
“Right.”
“And one cello says to the other, ‘I’ve got one broken string!’” Pause. “You geddit?”
“It’s not a joke.”
“’Tis!”
“You’ve got one broken string. You’re one string short of a cello!” Matty laughs, and I find myself chuckling too. It’s not a bad joke and he’s right that Luke’s made-up one sucked.
“You don’t even know what a cello is,” Luke throws back. “You thought it was a guitar!”
We’ll have to step in soon, but just for this moment my husband and I share a secret smile, oddly proud of our boys.
Version 1:
“So, there’s two cellos, right?”
“Right.”
“And the one cello says to the other, ‘I’ve got one broken string!’” Pause. “You get it?” [many of the cuts were to remove words as draft 1 was 126. However, I also thought this conversation between two boys should have more casual language, hence the contractions]
“It’s not a joke. There’s nothing funny about that.” [tautology, and a good way to cut words!]
“Tis!”
“You’ve got one broken string. One string short of a cello, that’s you!” He laughs ,[I felt both boys needed names in their mother’s head, rather than ages.] a little cruelly [I wanted to reduce the temperature a bit. The boys are arguing, but they are not being nasty to each other], but I find myself chuckling too. It’s not a bad joke for a ten year old and he’s right that Luke’s made up one didn’t work.
“You don’t even know what a cello is,” Luke snipes back. “You thought it was a guitar!”
We will have to step in soon, separate them before it gets nasty. But just for this moment, my husband and I share a secret smile, oddly proud of our boys.
elmowrites 
Well done, Jennifer. Two challenges in one, or rather two for one. Expertly edited, as ever.
Thanks Sandra – I just couldn’t resist it when I saw the two prompts!
I loved reading this and also thank you for including your pre-edited version. It is fascinating to see how your story developed and I think we can all learn from each others’ efforts. The edited version was fabulous with every word counting, just as each should.
Wow, Lindy, you are too kind. I’m glad the pre-edit version was interesting to you too – I’d love to see them from more writers as I find other people’s process interesting.
It would take a lot of scrolling to read through all of mine 🙂
This was cute!! And add me to those happy you included the first version–I love seeing other writers’ processes 🙂
Feel free to join in, Hayley. I like seeing the processes too.
Great job, Jennifer! You English types have us Americans on the run with those terrific stories and characters!!! I hope I catch up! Thanks for a great story!
heehee, I’ve seen some decent American characters too in my time! I’ll be over to check yours out tomorrow. Glad you liked the boys!
This sounds very home-y to me in a good way, just as people talk and act.
Perfect, I love it when people see reality in my stories, tea. They are all fictional, so I like it when they seem real!
Hi Jen,
These seem like the kind of guys I’d enjoy having a beer with. Good lively dialog. Ron
I think they are a little young for beers yet, Ron. Give them ten years and I’m sure you’ll see them at the bar, having the same sort of conversation!
Dear Jen,
We raised three boys. This exchange was indeed true to life. Those first attempts at joke telling are always a little pathetic. Thanks for sharing your process. Cello? Double bass? Sometimes a prompt is just a prompt.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thanks Rochelle, coming from you with your experience, that really means a lot. And you’re right about the prompt too … a stringed instrument is a stringed instrument, right?!
A great take on both prompts. Well done.
🙂
Like the edition of the comments in brackets. Could develop that to help others, no?
Yeah, definitely. I’d love to see others do it too – I stole the idea off Rich!
Dear Jen,
I loved your story this week (including the lively in informative look into your editing process.) Isn’t it the way of young boys to try to ram home their assertion that the joke was funny by explaining it.
Will Sebastian have a brother i wonder?
Aloha,
Doug
Steady on, Doug! One baby at a time is enough for me. Glad you liked the story and the editing process.
Like how you explain the editing process…. Something to learn from.
Thanks brud, feel free to join in next week!
I like that you always deal with real subjects…funny little kids and not a bad joke for a ten year old.
Tom
Thanks Tom, real subjects and realistic situations are definitely what I feel most comfortable writing about.
Wonderful, as usual. Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/cliches-friday-fictioneers-late/
Scott
Thanks Scott. I haven’t had chance to do much reading yet this week – hopefully tomorrow…
I understand that.
I enjoyed seeing the process of how you pared down the original. very nice.
Thank you, Whistle. Why don’t you join in next week?
I’ve always been a string short, a card short of a deck, a brick short of a load, etc. Some have even said I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Oh well, I can still cut the cheesecake.
Maybe Luke can grow up to be a humorist yet.
Thanks Russell. I’m sure if Luke existed he’d be happy to think he could one day be as funny as you are.
Ha, a cute piece, and off a nicely matched double prompt too. I’m on board with the others who said they enjoyed seeing your earlier version too – it’s really interesting seeing how pieces change edit to edit, and I wish writers would share more of their earlier drafts. Nice work!
Cheers, Brian. I’m glad the prior draft was of interest – I think I’ll stick with including them, where they have anything of interest. Feel free to join in
Cute! I love kid humor. I knew a kid once to whom the punchline to every joke was “cockroach.” And it was actually pretty funny.
I enjoyed this. : )
haha Steph. These kids’ jokes are usually only funny in a way they don’t intend!
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a proud parent moment, to sit and watch what they do and wonder how we may have influenced it. well done. and i like “tautology.” is that a real word?
Absolutely is – it means saying the same thing twice and repeating yourself!
didn’t know that. thanks for a little education.
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