Friday Fiction – The Drifters

When I saw this week’s FF picture, it reminded me of a prompt from many moons ago, but it also sang out loud and clear what I wanted to write for it. I hope it works for you – please do share your thoughts and feedback.

Rochelle leads the FF charge with a photo this week from Adam Ickes – who is not only a great long-term Fictioneers, but has recently published a collection of his 100 wordΒ stories in print and Kindle format. I haven’t read it yet, but if his FF entries are anything to go by, I’m sure I can recommend it. Stop by his site for links to his amazon pages to get hold of your own copy. Reminds me I would love to do the same thing sometime – well done Adam for setting a great example!

In the meantime, my FF story for this week…

adamickes-boardwalk

The Drifters

We lie wrapped together and I am falling in love, but his storm-blue eyes hold a baser desire that I ache to meet. From the park, I can hear the carousel and almost taste hot dogs, fries and onions, but only I can sate his hunger and must learn quickly how.

Because of him, Father has forbidden me my home and Mother – shocked but still Mother – could smuggle me nothing but a brief embrace and her warmest blanket. He begins to cry. Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, on a blanket with my baby is where I lie.

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69 Comments

Filed under Friday Fiction, Writing

69 responses to “Friday Fiction – The Drifters

  1. Jen, so much to say about this. Let me start with the way you used the lines from the song to end the story after hitting us with the perfect twist. You got “The Drifters” in the title and you captured the love of a mother, too. You used what might be considered puns but in a completely serious way and it worked. Congratulations. As for the book, I’m sure we’ll be talking about yours one of these day.

    janet

    • Thanks Janet. I totally accept the puns comment, when I was reminded of the name of the band, it just seemed to perfect not to use as the title (originally just “Under the boardwalk”). I’ve always thought it strange how many songs would mean something completely different if baby meant baby!

  2. In the beginning I wasn’t expecting a baby, but eventually the story led me there. The father seems a cruel man. I couldn’t imagine turning out my own child and grandchild that way. Well told.

    Also, thanks for the plug!

    • I agree absolutely, but these are opinions that probably held true pretty much everywhere at one time or another. I feel for the Mother too, having no choice but to support him.

  3. A deeply moving story with a heartwrenching twist. So much emotion, so much expert storytelling, all packed into 100 words.

  4. Very sad, albeit more true than we probably care to admit.

  5. Very clever in the different meaning that can be taken from the first paragraph. Well done.

    • Thanks zebra – I was hoping that tricked a few people – and of course it might have happened the one way to cause it happening the second way nine months later…

  6. Dear Jennifer,

    This is one of the best stories ever posted on Friday Fictioneers. Ever.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  7. Well done with a twist at the end. I agree with Doug – a moving story and a stellar example of a true flash.

  8. I do hope humanity has evolved beyond kicking girls out for getting pregnant, but I’ve heard worse true stories

    You tell this tale with a light hand and easy touch. Nicely handled. I enjoyed the read.

    Cheers!
    MG

  9. Wonderful! You fooled me there, the misdirection was expertly delivered. Well done.

  10. Wow, Jen, this is a brilliant story! The carnival details suggest how young she is, the parents’ reactions reveal their character, and I agree with Sandra, the misdirection is superbly handled. Love this!

  11. Dear Jennifer,

    Don’t ask me how I knew but I did catch that it was a baby from the beginning. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced that love affair three times. I love the way you wrapped your story around it. Magnificent.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • And what a complex one it is – I wanted to show that even after they are born, there is still some falling in love to do. Too many stories seem to gloss over that, IMHO. I’m happy that you caught it; the clues were there.

  12. Lovely and heart-rending story of a young girl who’s father has cruelly cast her out. It seems that her mother is also afraid of the brutish father. I’m sure this happens more than we’d like to think. Well done.

  13. Such an unexpected love story of devotion and loyalty. I was intrigued by the opening of a budding relationship between the two, and then for it to twist deeper into one between mother and son simply amazed me. Wonderfully ingenious.

  14. Oh I am so moved! I have tears in my eyes. πŸ™‚

  15. Jen, I love that it was a baby in the end. It made everything sink in even deeper. I only hope she can raise her son so he won’t cast his daughter out of the house. So sad but wonderfully written.

  16. Beautifully sad with a twist I was not expecting. Funny enough I’ve been singing this song in my head while reading the various 100 words because of the prompt. πŸ™‚ Wonderful ending, Jennifer.

  17. Wow. You’ve done it again. Using the last line of the song, twisting it into something sad and… (sorry, I’m a bit speechless. This was SO good).
    Definitely start working on that anthology, darling. Your ability to capture these moments — when you are at your best, like this time — is unparalleled.

  18. Reblogged this on Being the Memoirs of Helena Hann-Basquiat, Dilettante. and commented:
    Not for the first time, Jen at elmowrites has blown me away with her ability to a) capture in only 100 words what for some would be a novel and b) use phrasing in such a way that it is damn near music, or poetry. You’ll never hear the song she references the same way again. Stop what you’re doing and go read this little story, and give Jen some love. Tell her Helena sent you!

  19. Dee

    After the line ”I can only sate his hunger and must quickly learn how’ I thought baby. And Ioved your use of the line from the song at the end. Powerful and thought provoking Jen, well done.
    Dee

  20. Clever story. I was left feeling that despite the difficulties, mother and baby will be ok

  21. Ah Jen,I was totally misled in the beginning and then it broke my heart when I understood her plight-lovely insight into the characters of her parents and so believable-amazing job is just 100 words!Excellent take on the prompt πŸ™‚

  22. darn, i was led to believe it was a lovers’ tryst. great twist.

  23. Really, really, well done.

  24. Very sad. Is it a fairground romance/tragedy? I see a movie here.

  25. A wonderfully deceitful set up, and filled with trepidation, the desire to succeed and love. Masterfully told.

  26. Sun

    love the subtle way you lead into something so unexpected…the young mother abandoned by her own family. i can imagine the father saying things like, “I told you so…live with the consequences of your actions…”
    a very good realistic story.

  27. I love how you told this emotionally-charged story, and tied it in with the group and lyric. My heart aches for the daughters who are cast aside.

  28. Wow, that is stunningly beautiful: the description, the senses, the deep emotions and struggles. You blew me away with this.
    -David

  29. Very well done! What a jerk of a father to banish his own child. Callous and cruel, I think. Good story! Thanks, Nan

  30. Kind of smacks of Emily Bronte meeting Kenny Young and Arthur Resnick. Interesting way of telling the story. Good stuff.

  31. Wow! Amazing. I don’t even have the words… Very powerful!

  32. I didn’t know anything about ‘The Drifters’ but recall the song vaguely. Didn’t have to have the back story anyway: it was a good story in its own right. You’re an excellent writer. πŸ™‚

  33. Pingback: FF – Summer Rerun – The Drifters | elmowrites

  34. Oh that is sad a lovely. Beautifully crafted

  35. iainthekid

    Great twist at the end. Drew me in and loved your descriptions – ‘storm-blue eyes’ – very evocative.

  36. Loved the twist that it was a baby — I was seeing something more sexual (and darker). Although my favorite part was, “Mother — shocked but still Mother” — that said so much about her mother and their relationship.

  37. This is a stunning piece of writing. Very well done.

  38. michael1148humphris

    Some times a story just has to be told, and this one was a cracker, well done

  39. Oh dear… this is very well penned. Poignant and profound.

  40. I enjoyed how you incorporated the song.

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