1. Taking a relaxing bath with some or all of: a wind-up turtle, a squirty fish, a small child and Johnson’s head-to-toe (because you forgot to rescue your shower gel from a mysterious game that involves putting odd things in the guest bed)
2. Eating half a cup of your least favourite flavour of ice cream on a cold & rainy day, because there’s just no way you want to deal with that volume of sugar-rush in a tired toddler and he understands sharing but not moderation.
3. Anything involving bodily functions / pre-chewed food.
4. The most likely career to involve dealing with / eating / cleaning up “concoctions”.
5. Snatching everything: a chance to pee, a moment’s peace, the first drink of the day 4 hours after you got up…
6. A constant struggle to practise what you preach.
7. Knowing exactly which toy it was that you just stood on in the darkness, by the nature of the shooting pain.
8. Never knowing if you’re being too strict or too lax.
9. Everyone else’s business … apparently.
10. Trying to survive those dangerous minutes between when your husband / co-parent said they’d be home and when they actually step through the door and simultaneously take over the cooking, the laundry and all parenting responsibilities so you can finally breathe / have a drink / use the toilet / etc.
11. Never over, even when everyone’s in bed asleep.
12. Getting up not-enough-hours later and doing it all again.
13. Still the most incredible experience in the world.