FF – What Dreams May Come

Well, last week’s story seems to have cased more confusion than fun … including for me; I have literally no idea what some of you read there, because your comments most definitely didn’t correspond to what I meant. But this isn’t a complaint; I love seeing how my writing acts on people in unexpected ways!

This week hopefully less subtle, but I await your comments as ever! Thank you for Rochelle for prompt and leadership.

kitchen-window

What Dreams May Come

Mick had dreamed of boys playing on his old swing set and climbing the fruit trees. One after the other, his boys came and went, two before they took breath, another without taking a step. He grieved as much for the dream as the babies, although he’d never admit that to Brenda.

Then the real kicker: twin girls, and all the children they could afford.

Mick took down the swings and built a pink playhouse under the apples. It rested unused until one day Mick noticed Sally stretching up from the roof and Ellie perched above her on a branch.

43 Comments

Filed under Friday Fiction, Writing

43 responses to “FF – What Dreams May Come

  1. C – Way to build a love-hate-hope relationship with this guy in three little paragraphs. Perhaps he’s had his epiphany.

  2. C Your 100-words go all the way through male-female stereotypes. What a great progression for this guy. I suggest you trim the sentence length to make each bit more stark. “In Mick’s dreams, boys played on the swing-set and climbed the fruit trees. His boys came and went–two before they took a breath, the last before he took a step.” the word “then” usually means the sentence has gone on too long. Try to have only one or two actions in a sentence–especially when you want your reader to be shocked or if you are portraying action. I love the ending–very nifty shift in perspective.

  3. I wasn’t sure what I was intended to take away from this story. Perhaps that the little girls were tomboys? In which case I’d have made a stronger action for Sally than ‘stretching up from the battlements’. Maybe shinning up the battlements… or using it to climb onto an adjacent branch. Or maybe I’ve just not ‘got’ it. It’s been known. 😉

  4. C – what a wonderful, touching first paragraph – lovely. I like how we get to know Mick – his dreams for his children, and his surprise when they don’t turn out like he thought they would. I do agree with Sandra though, that stretching from the battlements could be stronger (that could be a girly-girl thing to do).

    • I switched the castle for a house and battlements for a roof to make it a little clearer, but I think Ellie is the more adventurous girl of the two.

    • I switched the castle for a house and battlements for a roof to make it a little clearer, but I think Ellie is the more adventurous girl of the two.Sorry for the late reply… I hope Mick is learning from more than just this incident and therefore the latter

  5. As a reader, I can’t help but want to know how Mick reacts. Is he horrified because tree climbing is too dangerous for little girls? Is he pleased he gets his dream after all?

    A rich story for 100 words. 🙂

    • I switched the castle for a house and battlements for a roof to make it a little clearer, but I think Ellie is the more adventurous girl of the two.Sorry for the late reply… I hope Mick is learning from more than just this incident and therefore the latter

  6. Great story! I find no ambiguity here; Mick finds within his daughters some of the very qualities he hoped for within his sons. A very sweet and positive story.

  7. I’m with Perry on this. It’s a lovely gentle story about a family rediscovering happiness.

  8. Surprisingly, perhaps, it seems that we have a gender division in the comments!
    Like the two P-men above, I understood your denouement, and warmed to him and his girls.

  9. C – I really like how you battle the stereotypes here. The fact that the girls are climbing the trees maybe tells him he should get the swing set back. I cannot really understand how you can be disappointed when you are blessed with children, but I guess you always put your own expectations into your children. I can see him gradually accepting and overcome the sorrow of the boys that never came though.

  10. Dear Jennifer,

    I think perhaps the girls would have enjoyed the swings. I think we all have preconceived notions of what our children will be like. Mine certainly didn’t fit any of mine. At any rate I wanted girls and got three boys. No regrets.

    Good story.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  11. I love it! I think this is a very realistic story.

  12. He jumped the gun with his gender-stereotype assumptions. I imagine a lot of us do, in more ways than we’d care to admit.

  13. Loved where the story went in the end…unexpected. Had to reread a couple of times, however, to get what the girls were doing. Could be my foggy brain though. It is 4:34 a.m. here…

  14. That’ll teach him not to make assumptions based on gender!

  15. Dreams sometimes come true in strange and unexpected ways. Beautiful ending and well written.

  16. Lovely – he will see his dream come true. You say a lot in your short tale.

  17. I like how you’ve given so much information about the father – his losses, wrong thinking, and turn around at the end are wonderfully portrayed.

  18. Now the big question is how we allow our boys to explore their feminine traits. Stereotypes can adversely effect men too. I have no criticism. I enjoyed it.

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